Portraits of grace

Me: *walks out of the bathroom with a huge grin on my face*

Random guy in the hallway: *smiles* And what are you smiling about? 

Me: I'm just laughing at God a little.

Random guy: *look of confusion*

Me: I know it's weird, but don't worry, God has a sense of humor! *smiles and walks on*

...cuz really, what do you say at that point? "Hello, my name is Cara?" I hope I get to meet him officially sometime though - we still smile at each other whenever we pass in the hallways :)

This semester has undoubtedly been the hardest semester of my life, school-wise. Mom has commented several times that if I had been told several years ago what I am doing now I would have fainted! :) More likely, I would have laughed you out of the house! Me, an engineer?? Me, spending all-day-every-day with my friends/"study buddies"? Me doing math nearly every every waking moment for 5 days straight--then more on the weekend? I think not! But guess what I'm doing? :) Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the absolute confidence that right here is where God is calling me - at least for now. I am determined to do my best wherever God places me, but I do think that electrical engineering is my home for the foreseeable future. And sometimes when I have a death grip on the lifeline of "God sent me here. God has me here for a purpose" He sends me some little thing - a conversation with a friend, usually - that reminds me a bit of the purpose: to be Jesus to my friends! 

(Working in the lab on a very frustrating project!)

My friend Mark: I really want to see you cuss.

Me: Why?

Mark: Because you never do!

Me: Yeah, well there's a reason for that!

Mark: I know, but sometime I would like to see you so mad that you just say "dammit!"

Me: *playful sarcasm* You are such a wonderful "friend."

I went to see my adviser about registration - and as it turns out he is a Christian! I had guessed as much, but wasn't sure. He said that he knew I was a Christian when I stood up "in front of all those people" (about 20-30) last semester and "gave God the credit for where you were" (in engineering) - this is because I answered "why are you an engineer?" with my standard answer: "well, my dad is an electrical engineer, and I always thought what he did was interesting, and I think God wants me here." I had forgotten all about that moment, and when he reminded me of it, recalled that I was disappointed with how little I was able to say... but it made an impression on him, evidently! PTL for that! Funny how the small things make such a difference sometimes. Praise God that He is sovereign over even the smallest things!

1 conversation with Ryan:

• bullet points
• how to write emails
• the parable of the talents
• the meaning of Christian love/truth/etc
• how to get a bank account for an organization
• random stories about his 3 sons
• why the power grid is amazing
• some professor/conference/something he met/attended...
• one of the places he's been
• etc.....

One time, he had just gotten a terrible grade on a test and had another coming up. He asked me, "What do you do when you get a terrible grade?" I replied, "If it's really terrible, I go into the bathroom and cry a little and talk to Jesus. And then I go take a walk in the woods and call my mom and talk to her and cry a little more. And then I feel better :)"

One week, I had a particularly terribly crazy week. I had a circuit project due (a primitive karaoke!) which stubbornly refused to work. I got the worst grade I have ever received (on a test) in my life. I had to cancel on some times with friends and things because of all this. Towards the middle of the week, though, I was reading my Bible in the morning, and God gave me two verses:

1) "He who goes out in tears, bearing seed to sow, shall return rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves."

I had God's absolute promise that my going out (often quite literally!) in tears, yet still bearing the seed, being faithful to sow, faithful to pray, faithful to hope and trust in the sovereignty of God, would bear fruit. Maybe it will be the fruit of all A's that I'm used to bearing home rejoicing. Maybe it will be the greater blessing of friends' or family's souls saved. Or maybe something else... but I will reap those fruits, by His grace!

2) "Return to your fortress, O prisoner of hope!" 

I mentally recited this every time I returned to the lab...or just to EPIC... why did I keep returning? Because hope always drew me back! And anyway, I got a smile out of the dramatism of the verse :)

I must say I haven't had a lot of deep conversations with my friends this year about Jesus (Ryan is the exception to that). Although I would love an opportunity to talk about Jesus in depth, it seems that my ministry of the moment is little words, little actions, little things that say "Jesus is life for me." 

Why are you always smiling? 

---Because I have a lot to be thankful for.

Mock dramatism: "What is the meaning of life???" 

---"Jesus!!" :D

(after which my Muslim friend traipses around for awhile answering every question with "Jesus!" and explaining "Jesus is the answer to every question." I told him he should go to church - then he would be right! Unfortunately, the answer to our quiz questions is not Jesus :P )

---It WORKS!!!! Thank Jesus!!!!! <-- :="" a="" div="" i="" lot="" one="" that="" used="" ve="">

etc. 

My adviser told me "you are very transparent about your faith." 

---"I have nothing to be ashamed of."

"True" :)

By God's grace, "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation for everyone who believes." :) And much as I feel like a jar of clay - not worthy, prone to shattering, quite ordinary - that is simply that the "excellence of the power may be [clearly] of God and not of [me]" :)